It's Still Not the Same (The Spiral)
by Charmed416
Summary: This is a follow up story to my "It'll Never Be the Same" Trilogy that so many have asked for, though you guys may not like the ending. Sorry for that, but that's what I wrote. Please R&R because this is a VERY special fanfic of mine...


icenterMany people have asked me to do another fanfiction in continuation of the trilogy...  
well, here it is. Personally, I really didn't want to write another one; I didn't think it needed one,  
but I am here to please. Enjoy!/center/i  
pPhoebe shut her eyes in terror and stayed as still as she could in her bed; a bed she once  
found rest and comfort but now only found pain and anguish. Her senses were working overtime  
and her chest felt as though it was being sat on. Her throat started to constrict and if she actually  
had nails that she didn't already bite off from a nervous habit, there would have been long nail  
marks in her palms from such a tight fist. Little specks of light dotted the insides of her eyes  
because they were so tightly shut. Her jaw hurt from clenching it so hard. Her head hurt. Her  
legs hurt. Hell, everything hurt. Phoebe hurt both physically and mentally. Slowly, Phoebe  
made herself relax a bit, but of course not completely. She could never relax completely.   
Never. Phoebe was already mad at herself for sleeping; she hadn't let herself truly sleep for the  
last month because, if she did indeed let herself sleep, nightmares such as the one she just  
experienced would plague her mind, body, and spirit. Phoebe feared that another nightmare  
would kill her instantly, just as the incident was killing her slowly... painfully...  
pThe Incident...  
pEverybody told her not to call it that anymore; that she should call it 'rape' because that's  
what it really was... but how could she call it rape if she wasn't really sure that's what it was?!  
p'I could have stopped it, maybe even prevented it, if I had wanted to,' she cringed at the new  
wave of guilt to wash over her. Guilt, in the last few months or so, had been prevalent in every  
waking hour... sure she could forget about it now and then, but it was always there in the back of  
her mind, just like...  
pThe nightmares...  
pGod, the nightmares. How could she forget? They all started out the same; just Phoebe and  
her attacker staring into each other's eyes coldly. His eyes seemed to burn into hers and just  
when Phoebe finally gets the courage to look away, he always knocks her down with a right  
hook to the left temple. That's where the dreams alter. Sometimes it is a very detailed and real  
reenactment of the actual incident, complete with Phoebe waking up with that unique smell still  
lingering in her nose. Other times it is a totally new experience, equally horrifying but usually in  
a different location or different way. No matter how different each dream was, however, each  
left Phoebe with an intolerable amount of fear, pain, and agony.  
pThat fear, pain, and agony were still entrapped around Phoebe's heart as she struggled to  
relax her muscles. She snuck a glance at Cole who was still sleeping next to her, unaware of his  
girlfriend's anxiety attack. Phoebe had to hold back a tension filled, bitter laugh; everyone knew  
she had been having these nightmares but no one, and she meant no one, knew just how bad they  
were. If they had any clue at all, they'd put Phoebe out of her misery themselves rather than let  
Phoebe dwell over her own suicide as she had been since the nightmares had started.  
pAs carefully as she could, Phoebe positioned herself so she could easily get out of her hell  
people called a bed. She didn't want to wake Cole, however; he would ask her what was wrong  
and she had a feeling that if she told him everything, he would just feel disgusted with her and  
she didn't want that- she needed what little support he could offer. As she shifted her body to sit  
up, Cole's arm sneaked across her chest in a protective hold. Phoebe's eyes bulged with fear. All  
that went through her mind was her dream was reality and her attacker, not Cole, was in the bed  
with her. The tightness returned with full force in her throat and her chest, especially where his  
arm lay, seemed it was being compressed. Phoebe couldn't breath. She could hardly take it any  
longer. It couldn't happen; she couldn't let it happen. Finally, a tiny drop of courage sped  
through her veins, causing Phoebe to break from her frozen state to crouch in the fetal position  
and scream for, basically her only hope, her sisters.  
p"Help me!" she cried, her fear returning tenfold. Still, she fought on. "Prue! Piper! Help!"  
she screamed again. After trying a third time, Phoebe could not find her voice, thus making her  
totally susceptible to her attacker.  
p"Phoebe," he whispered harshly in her ear, causing her to tense up even more. He gripped  
her tighter and shook her slightly, only adding to the fear. In fact, the fear quickly turned to  
dread. Her sisters weren't coming. She was alone. It was going to happen again. She could  
have stopped it.  
p"Phoebe, stop it!" he whispered again harshly in her ear. Oh God, he could read her  
thoughts. Phoebe was beyond freaking out. She let her body go limp; why fight the inevitable?   
Why put herself through the mental anguish of thinking she could be saved or that everything  
would be ok? It can't be ok again... why fight... he has won...  
p"What the hell is going on?!" said a voice that was accompanied by the light being turned on.   
For a second, Phoebe thought the voice belonged to Prue, but quickly snuffed the thought. It  
couldn't be.  
p"Phoebe?!" Wait, that sounded as though it was Piper... No, it couldn't be Piper...  
p"I don't know!" her attacked exclaimed, though his voice seemed to morph into Cole's.   
Nevertheless, Phoebe kept her eyes closed tight. "I just put my arm around her and she started  
freaking out. She must be having an other nightmare." He turned back to Phoebe and, with his  
hand, brushed some hair out of her face gently. "Phoebe, honey, it's me, sweetheart. I'm here.   
Prue's here. Piper's here. No one else but us," he soothed.  
pPhoebe slowly and hesitantly opened her eyes. As soon as she saw the three instead of her  
attacker, Phoebe let all of her fear leave in her tears. Her body, racked with sobs, was engulfed  
in hugs from her family.pcenter* * */center  
pPhoebe popped another caffeine pill, washed it down with her double espresso from  
i'Starbucks'/i, and stared at the computer screen. She hadn't let herself even get into a bed  
since that last nightmares two days ago and no one in the manor seemed to notice or, better said,  
if they had noticed, they didn't care; no one cared, not even Phoebe.  
pWith an other click of her mouse, Phoebe was logged into her favorite message board.   
Lately Phoebe felt more content with the faceless screen names than with her own family. While  
she was there, Phoebe could almost forget about her problems and fears for a few moments- and  
those few measly moments were almost sacred to Phoebe. A smile played on her lips as she  
typed a reply to a funny, absurd post. Suddenly the smile and typing stopped as a hand grasped  
Phoebe's shoulder and was replaced with intense fear.  
p"Hey Pheebs," Piper said, glancing down worriedly at her younger sister. Though she didn't  
let Phoebe know, Piper was worried to death over her- she just couldn't bring it upon herself to  
bring up the subject.  
p"Oh, hey Piper," Phoebe replied after her heart returned from it's sudden trip to her toes.   
"What are you doing up?"  
pPiper did a double take at Phoebe's question. "Phoebe, it's eight o'clock in the morning!"  
PIper responded, the concern prevalent in her voice. 'Busted,' Phoebe thought. Her sense of time  
had been messed up since she stopped sleeping. "How long have you been up?" Piper asked,  
though didn't know if she wanted the answer.  
p"Oh, since about six o'clock," Phoebe lied and Piper let it go with a sigh; they both knew she  
was lying and had been up all night, but not did not want to confront the problem, aka Phoebe.  
pPiper opened the refrigerator and peered inside. "Do you want some breakfast? I'll make  
you something."  
pPhoebe put her hand to her stomach. Should she eat? Every time she had eaten in the past  
few days, she usually got sick to her stomach... but she also felt terrible and weak due to the lack  
of sleep and food and thought that maybe some food could give her somewhat of a boost.   
"Yeah, I guess, but make something small, ok? Thanks."  
pPiper sighed again. She had this strong, almost overwhelming, urge to make a huge, gormet  
breakfast and force her sister to eat all of it just to spite her but, of course, that in some way  
would bring up the problem which they all tried so hard to ignore. 'Why?' Piper asked herself  
and was instantly surprised when she realized that was the first time she had ever asked herself  
that question. Piper was in complete and utter shock; she had always knew that everyone in the  
manor ignored the problem and did their best to avoid any reference to it, but never really  
thought why. This fact bothered her- it bothered her a lot. Was it because they thought that  
somehow, by ignoring the problem, they were keeping Phoebe from reliving it? She was reliving  
it every night in her dreams! And what about-  
p"What are you going to make?" Phoebe asked, interrupting Piper's train of thought, though  
Piper had heard enough of the conversation in her head to know she had to confront Phoebe.  
p"Do you want to talk about it?" Piper asked after a deep breath. She knew she had to be  
there for her sister and this was the only way she could think of to start.  
pPhoebe froze in terror again. She knew what her sister was trying to do, but she also knew  
she didn't want to burden Piper with ibher/i/b problems; she was going through  
enough for all of them. Thinking quickly, Phoebe tried to deflect the question. "Talk about  
what? Breakfast? I'll eat whatever you make." Phoebe held her breath in anticipation of  
whether or not her sister would buy and accept her obvious diversion.  
pPiper sighed yet again. She knew what Phoebe was trying to do and made a mental decision  
to press on. She had to help Phoebe. "Come on, Phoebe, you know what I meant."  
pPhoebe also made a decision- continue to act dumb. "No, what?!"  
p"Never mind," Piper sighed. She didn't want to push Phoebe if she didn't want tot talk about  
it. 'Damnit!' thought Piper. That was exactly what Phoebe wanted her to do. She walked over to  
Phoebe who was shutting down her lap top and put her hands on her hips. Phoebe turned and her  
heart sped up a bit.  
p"What?" she questioned the seemingly pissed off witch. Maybe continuing the 'dumb' act  
would ward her off...  
p"Phoebe, you know what I mean," Piper said, pulling out a chair and sitting close to her  
sister. "You need to talk about what happened and what is happening and what will happen if  
you don't!"  
pPhoebe felt herself grow abnormally and unnecessarily mad Wasn't this what she had  
wanted? To have someone actually confront the problem and talk to her? They why was she so  
angry? "Piper, don't. It's my problem, not yours. Just leave it be." Why did she say that?  
p"Well, you're making it my problem now!"  
p"And that is the problem! It shouldn't be burdening you!" Phoebe could feel tears stinging  
her eyes, so she shoved back her chair and stormed out of the room. Her sudden departure left  
Piper in the room, frozen in a temporary shock, but soon she snapped out of it and followed suit.   
"This conversation isn't over, Phoebe!"  
p"Yes it is!" Phoebe spat back bitterly.  
p"No, Phoebe, it's not. It's pretty obvious that you are messed up over this and-"  
p"Oh, so not only do I have a problem, but I am messed up as well? Oh, gee, thanks Piper.   
You really helped. I am so glad we had this conversation," Phoebe screamed at Piper, but  
instantly asked herself why she was being so defensive.  
p"Stop twisting my words around, Phoebe," Piper growled back. The argument progressed  
into an all out screaming war for a good ten minutes until Phoebe broke down suddenly in tears.  
p"Stop it! Just stop it, damnit," she sobbed. Caught off guard, Piper forgot her anger and just  
listened. "I can't do this any more; I can't do anything anymore!" Phoebe then preceded to tell  
Piper everything she could, including facts about the actual incident that she didn't even tell the  
police. She finished with a sob on Piper's shoulder. Piper instinctively wrapped her sister in a  
comforting hug and found herself crying along with Phoebe.  
pPrue walked into the room and had to do a double take. She hadn't seen Phoebe show this  
much emotion since the trials. "What's going on?" she asked, tentitively sitting down on he  
couch next to her sisters. Piper opened her mouth to explain the massive amounts of mascara  
running down her and her sister's faces, but Phoebe turned to Prue first, oddly calm.  
p"Oh, nothing, just having a good cry," she explained, trying to make light of it. She couldn't  
let Prue know what she had just told Piper- it was too much and she knew Prue would step right  
into mothering mode. Phoebe avoided a glare from Piper, suddenly dreading the next few  
moments; Piper was going to talk, she knew it.  
p"Yeah, that's far from it," Piper said in a cracked voice.  
p"Then what is it?" Prue asked, but she had an idea of what it would be; she just couldn't  
believe one of her sisters actually brought the subject up.  
p"Oh, stop being blond when you so clearly aren't," Phoebe snapped, suddenly bitter again.   
What was wrong with her? "You know damn well what we were crying about, but don't worry-  
it's over." Phoebe jumped up from the couch and started to walk out of the room, but turned  
around slowly as she heard Piper's angry voice.  
p"Like hell it's over, Phoebe. It's just the beginning and you're gonna need us to help you  
though it."  
p"Don't you think I know it's just the beginning? That's why it's so damn hard; it's not even  
close to being over. It's just going to get harder before it gets better and I think, no I know I  
won't be able to take it. Why bother?!" This time Phoebe successfully left the room, which left  
her sisters behind to dwell on her words and some of their own.pcenter* * */center  
pPhoebe peered into the empty bottle of Jack Daniels and could see dimly the distorted  
images of her room through the curved, dry bottom. The distortion may have been partly  
accredited to the said curved bottom of the bottom, but it was mostly due to the fact Phoebe was  
dunk off her ass and high on her pain medication. When she tried to get up from her bed,  
Phoebe tripped on nothing in particular and fell flat on her face. She laid there in pain and  
shame. So this was what her life had boiled down to...  
pShe had let him win and that was that. Phoebe could feel herself spinning, no diving out of  
control, but couldn't do a damn thing to stop it. She knew she needed help, but she also know  
she didn't want it. Phoebe sighed, hiccuped, and struggled to get up. 'Want' and 'Need' were two  
totally different things. Phoebe 'needed' to get help before it was too late. She shuddered. Was  
it too late already? She couldn't be so sure...pcenter* * */center  
pCole shimmered tentatively to Phoebe's room and glanced around; he didn't want to scare  
Phoebe more than he had already in the past few months. He glanced around a bit, finally  
concluding Phoebe was not in the room. He walked around the bed, however, and was taken  
aback; there, lying on the floor, was Phoebe with a bottle of JD still in her hands, passed out. He  
shook her a bit and though she stirred a bit, Phoebe didn't wake up. Cole organized his thoughts  
and decided he had to pick her up. He did so, an carried her to the bathroom, laying her back  
down on the cold tile floor on her side. Then, Cole sat on the toilet next to hr and sadly stared at  
her face.  
pWhy was she doing this to herself?  
pHis thoughts were interrupted when the door to the bathroom door opened and Prue started  
to walk in.  
p"Oh, sorry-" she stopped, noticing Phoebe on the floor and the sad look in Cole's eyes.   
"What the hell happened?" she asked as she crouched down next to her sister.  
p"She drank herself into an oblivion," Cole shrugged. "She passed out."  
pPrue looked up at Cole in shock and shook her head. Why was she doing this to herself? To  
them? "Leo!" she called as she positioned Phoebe on her back.  
p"What the hell are iyou/i doing?" It was Cole's time to ask. Prue looked at him as if  
the answer was obvious.   
pAfter she realized Cole didn't understand her logistics, she explained. "I'm calling Leo so he  
can heal her. Then we can talk to her about this once and for all," she said, glancing up as Leo  
entered the already cramped bathroom with Piper close behind.  
p"No!" Cole said with a certainty that shocked everyone, including himself. "I think she  
needs to feel the full consequences of her actions without supernatural help. You drink yourself  
sick, you deserve to be sick. End of story."  
p"I agree," Prue changed her mind, though still too worried to be surprised that she had  
actually agreed with Cole. They both returned Phoebe to her side, just in case. Cole agreed to  
stay and make sure Phoebe's condition didn't worsen.  
pAs Prue followed Leo and Piper out, Piper voiced her confusion. "What the hell happened?"  
pPrue sighed. "She drank until she passed out," she stated with a mix of anger and sadness.   
Suddenly, the anger overruled and she stormed down the hall towards Phoebe's room with Piper  
and Leo close behind. When inside, Prue took out her rage on Phoebe's dwindling collection of  
pain medication, caffeine pills, alcohol, and other various materials hidden throughout Phoebe's  
room. Piper and Leo joined in and they all searched in silence until suddenly, Piper stopped  
cold. She held a photograph as far as she could from her body, though couldn't take her eyes off  
it. She didn't want to believe what it was or what it meant.  
p"What's that, Piper," asked Prue, curious. Piper only could respond my holding out the photo  
for Leo and Prue to inspect. It was a picture of him... Phoebe's attacker.  
p"What the hell does she have this for?" Piper screamed her fear. Prue shut her eyes and  
shook her head, fighting off tears.  
p"I don't know and I don't want to. Get rid of it," she said and held out the plastic bag that  
held all of the contraband items they had collected from Phoebe's room.  
pFinally, they were content that there were no more other dangerous contraband and walked  
out of the room in silence and filed toward the bathroom. They came upon Phoebe, throwing up  
in the toilet with Cole holding back her hair. Prue noticed the incredible sadness and fear in her  
eyes and she had to admit it scared her. She turned and ran all the way to her dark room, the  
scene still visible in her mind.pcenter* * */center  
pAs Phoebe opened her eyes, she saw Prue, Piper, Cole, and Leo looming over her. Her head  
felt as though it was splitting in two and the like was like needles going through her eyes. It was  
probably the worst hangover she had ever had.  
p"Phoebe, we need to talk," boomed a voice that echoed in her head painfully. She couldn't  
really distinguish who exactly said it, but still groaned a reply, hoping they would all just leave  
her alone. "Phoebe!" came the voice again, louder than ever. Phoebe shut her eyes tighter in  
pain and tried to turn over, though it hurt too much to move. The voice (it started to sound like  
Prue's now) was persistent still. "Phoebe, I am just going to get louder and louder until you  
answer me and agree to talk."  
pPhoebe shut her eyes even tighter. Couldn't they see she was in no condition to 'talk'? The  
best she could probably give would be a few groans and mumbles. Why were they pestering  
her? Slowly, she opened her eyes again. "I'll talk later," she somehow managed to mumble and  
shut her eyes again. Her own voice slammed throughout her head.  
p"No, we need to talk now," Cole said, picking Phoebe up to a sitting position. Phoebe  
almost cried in pain. "I know you're hung over pretty damn bad because I was with you all night  
an saw first hand how smashed you were, but we are not going to let you live this one down.   
You did this to yourself, Phoebe, and we want to know why."  
pAll Phoebe wanted to do was lay back down, curl up into a ball, and hopefully sleep out this  
headache, though somewhere in her disoriented mind, she knew her family wouldn't let her.   
Suddenly, she felt a warm sensation come over her and her headache somewhat subside. She  
slowly opened her eyes just in time to see Leo raise his hands; he had healed her just enough so  
she could be somewhat coherent. 'I guess I can't get out of this one,' she thought and slowly  
opened her eyes, sat up, and faced her family.  
p"Phoebe, can't you see what you are doing to yourself?" Prue growled out of both anger and  
fear.  
Piper shook her head. "Phoebe, you can't do that to yourself; you're letting him win."  
p"He's already won!" Phoebe groaned. She laid back down, defeated. Like she had said, she  
didn't want to even think about it, yet that's exactly what they were making her do. Phoebe felt  
herself almost wishing Leo would 'unheal' her so she could focus on the physical pain rather than  
the mental anguish. The realization of the thought hit her hard; she iwas/i spinning out of  
control and Phoebe didn't know if she could stop herself.pcenter* * */center  
pPrue, Piper, Cole, and Leo were all sitting in the conservatory; they had given up trying to  
talk to Phoebe when he was in that state and decided to let her sleep the remaining hangover off  
before their next attempt.  
p"Do you think we did the right thing?" Piper asked into the deafening silence.  
p"Who knows," Prue sighed. She had never felt so hopeless in her life.  
psuddenly, from upstairs, there was a large clatter. The four glanced up towards the ceiling as  
if they could see through the plaster to identify the noise.  
p"What the hell?! Where's my damn codeine?!" Phoebe screamed down the steps in a  
cracked, groggy voice.  
p"It's gone. Go back to sleep," replied Cole bitterly, staring at his shoes as if they were works  
or art.  
p"But I need them, damnit!" replied Phoebe, even louder this time.  
p"No, you don't! Go back to sleep," Cole called up again, trying to be as calm as he could,  
though his insides were being torn apart. This was not the Phoebe he loved, the Phoebe he gave  
up half of himself to be with... He had to remind himself that the Phoebe he loved was  
somewhere inside that body, trapped and just as scared as he was. That was the only thought  
that kept him sane. Little did he know, Prue, Piper, and Leo were thinking the same  
thing...pcenter* * */center  
pPhoebe's head jerked up sharply and she looked wildly around; she had fallen asleep in her  
Psyche class and had had a nightmare (or daymare... whatever). As she looked around, her heart  
pounding in her ears, Phoebe noticed everyone in the room was staring at her with stupid smirks  
on their faces.  
p"Are you ok, Miss Halliwell?" her professor asked snidely. "I'm sorry I woke you. Care to  
share with the class your seemingly disturbing dream so we can, perhaps, decipher it?"  
pPhoebe stared her teacher down as her emotions turned from fear to anger and fury. She  
stood up, suddenly, and just walked out. She didn't need him- she didn't need anything.  
pShe jumped into the car and rubbed the tears angrily out of her eyes. She was in hell.   
Phoebe hadn't spoken to her sisters, Cole, or Leo since she had that terrible hangover, and she  
realized she didn't care. She had made herself feel so empty inside so it wouldn't hurt anymore.   
Phoebe started the car-- actually, it was Prue's (she had grabbed the keys this morning without  
asking... again, she didn't care) and pulled out into the highway. As she drove, she could slowly  
feel herself fall asleep. Getting a bit nervous, Phoebe opened the window and turned on the  
radio. Still, it did not help much. Phoebe could feel her chin touch her chest, but no matter how  
hard she tried, she could not lift it. An image of her attacker flashed in her mind, finally jerking  
her awake...  
pIt was too late...  
pPhoebe Halliwell crashed head on with a tractor trailer. Her last thought before the collision  
was not of her family, but of the man who had ruined her life.pcenter* * */center  
pPrue stepped up to the podium, feeling numb. She could not bring herself to look at the big,  
glossy box that held what was left of her baby sister. Instead, she faced the sea of mourners  
present at the funeral of Phoebe Halliwell.  
pPrue took one more deep breath and, while she fiddled with her necklace, read from her  
notes.  
p"Let me begin by saying a car crash did not kill my sister, but a man did. Instead of dying  
instantly from internal bleeding and brain stem damage as the death certificate states, my sister  
died a slow, agonizing death at the hands of one man who, a few months ago, took the very  
essence of Phoebe away from us." Prue had to stop for a moment to refrain from breaking down,  
though she knew she had to press on and finish the speech for Phoebe's sake. "My sister was the  
victim of a horrible crime; not he obvious crime of rape, but the crime of murder for, you see,  
her rapist did kill her and that is the cause of my baby sister laying in that box." Her voice  
cracked and tears stained her notes. Prue knew there was no way she could get through her  
written speech, but she had to finish with something... "Phoebe was right when she said it would  
never be the same again..." Prue's voice broke yet again and a sob pierced the still air. She  
quickly composed herself, however, determined to finish at all cost. Prue looked slowly over to  
Piper, then, with an odd calmness, stared at the casket as though she was only talking to her baby  
sister. "Piper and I and anyone who knew Phoebe will never be the same again, but for our sake  
and in honor of Phoebe, we can't let the change kill us. You don't have to have premonitions to  
know it's going to be hard and that we are going to miss her more than we can even fathom right  
now, but we can remember how 'charmed' we were to know Phoebe and how blessed we were to  
have shared a small part of ourselves with her. Phoebe, we love you and always will and I hope,  
in heaven, you will win your battle." With that, Prue walked back to her seat and collapsed in a  
fit of tears.  
pcenterThe End./center 


End file.
